To Do Good or Not Too Good: How to Mold a Child's Morality as a Parent?
By: Romeo G. Dungca, Jr., DMD, RN
26 June 2014
Am reading this article handed to us from my daughter's school as part of Parent-Education Series for June, entitled "Raising a Moral Child" which is written by Adam Grant. This article is part of the book he authored "Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success."
What does it entail to become good parents -- or being a good person for that matter? I firmly believe with this old proverb "Charity begins at home", but what does it mean? I grew up with this philosophy of giving and taking, when you give, you give because it's not just the right thing to do but it feels good to give and it always radiate this feeling of self-worth. At least that's what my parents taught me. However, morality in this modern world is a bit complex nowadays, the cliche always comes up, what may be immoral for you may be moral for others, in other words, morality is just like Human Rights, it's absolute -- one's rights end when the rights of others begin. But I would like to make it simple -- simple is better and uncomplicated.
"When people say 'Charity begins at home' they very often mean 'You should look after your own kids, family and own circle first and then be kind to people' which is not the original meaning of the proverb. The original meaning is that charity begins in the home --that is to say kids learn charity in the home. Hugh MacKay says "What makes a life worth living" can be summed up in one answer. "The good life is the life lived for others."
As a young parent of a toddler, the dilemma of raising my daughter arises as she grows old, learn new things, explore the outside world and meet new people. Her world becomes a bit bigger now since she goes to school and is now exposed to others kids with different sets of values and behavior -- which can affect her behavior as well.
Most recently, I am very proud with the latest achievement of my kiddo at school. She was reportedly saying "Thank You" to her teacher every time she is given something, be it a toy, a pencil, a crayon or food. At a young age, she has learned the value of appreciating others. Not to mention that she is always fond of sharing her food with others. (though she need to readily give it on her own and not persuaded to do so -- which I think is very spontaneous and better -- action speaks louder than words. Preaching is good but doing it is better. Being a role model to my daughter is very crucial, both in words and in deeds.
Going back to the article, it is very timely with the current things that are playing in my mind. The article reads, "Genetic twin studies suggest that anywhere from a quarter to more than half of our propensity to be giving and caring is inherited. That leaves a lot of room for nurture, and the evidence on how parents raise kind and compassionate children flies in the face of what many of even the most well-intentioned parents do in praising good behavior, responding to bad behavior, and communicating their values."
To adopt it in reality, good and bad behavior do not merely exist in ones genes but a high percentage is contributed to how a person is nurtured at an early age -- at home, by their parents and their environment & circumstance. And generally on how they are taught in words and in deeds.
For the benefit of those interested with the topic, it basically tackles 3 points: on doing a good behavior, in acknowledging a bad behavior and how to communicate it to your kids.
1. On doing good behavior. In the nursing education particularly child psychology, there is this principle "behavior modification" wherein developing a child's behavior is patterned to a rewards system -- when a child does good, learning a new behavior, overcoming fear and even undoing a bad behavior. It is always tied with and/or not giving a reward-- directly, indirectly or intermittently. Conversely, Adam grant suggests that a good behavior better retains to a child if she is praised than rewarded for it. Unknowingly, my wife and I are practicing it more often than rewards, we would always praise our daughter whenever she does something explicitly good -- whether finishing her meal, consuming all of her milk, washing her hands, drawing or scribbling something and so on and so forth. We rarely give her something as a reward for doing so.
We praise altogether -- firstly, the child, secondly the behavior and thirdly, the outcome of doing such a good behavior. "When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us."
2. In acknowledging a bad behavior. While we acknowledge more of the person when she does a good thing, it is suggested however to do inversely when she does a bad thing."Praise in response to good behavior may be half the battle, but our responses to bad behavior have consequences, too. When children cause harm, they typically feel one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt. Despite the common belief that these emotions are interchangeable, research led by the psychologist June Price Tangney reveals that they have very different causes and consequences."
Furthermore, "Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right."
"If we want our children to care about others, we need to teach them to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave."
"The most effective response to bad behavior is to express disappointment."
Technically, thank God, we don't see any bad habits or behaviors yet from our precious kiddo, at a young age, to choose from right and wrong is not yet an issue for her . Though, there are several tantrums hat she does but in essence it does not yet fall in the category of a bad habit. Still, whenever she does these petty things like putting slippers on our bed, hiding things from us, or making fun of mommy or daddy while doing something regardless important or not, we tend to remark "not to do it anymore because it will sadden us." it is important for her to know the difference between good and bad in order that she may know the outcome and develop a guilt feeling when she does it.
3. Teaching the value of giving -- to do good or not too good.There is this famous expressions that goes, "Experience is the best teacher". I highly agree, "You will learn more from things that happen to you in real life than you will from hearing about or studying things that happen to other people."
Most definitely or not, one's habit on generosity can be partially attributed to how they experience giving at an early age -- how their parents shaped their enthusiasm in being generous to others. And for the most part, how they in turn do it in actuality.
Still, parents have the biggest take in providing a "role-model" or icon of giving. So the "to-do-good-or-not-too-good" habit of a person is deeply rooted from the examples that the parents/guardians showed not just taught. It is good to preach, but being an icon to your children is far better and well taken.
In essence, a person is shaped by first and foremost by parents & family, later on by teachers, friends, & other people and latter, probably by environment & circumstances in life. Ultimately, love for God, genuine care, authentic unconditional love for others, generosity, humility, charity and other good traits should be one's goals to achieve in the end.
As a reflection, how do I consider myself as a giver? As role-model? As a parent? As an individual? As a human being? It takes a lot of thinking and re-thinking on how to go about these roles to be a good icon for your child -- the challenge lies therefore in oneself. "I admittedly am not a person of unblemished character, but i am trying my very best to alter the things where I falter."
In the end, let us all start with positive and good thoughts, for in these thoughts are where our words come from and these words eventually becomes actions -- actions that become habits. Once these good habits are formed and are innate to oneself, they shape one's character which defines a person and ultimately becomes one's way of life -- his destiny.
“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”- Frank Outlaw
Random Thoughts
RGD 6/25/14
